oh, anthony.

i was sitting on the a train today for what seemed like years, and i suddenly noticed a smell that made me think instantly of someone, but i couldn't remember who. after concentrating for a few minutes, i realized that it smelled of my friend anthony, whom i haven't seen in, oh, ever so long. it smelled of him, of his parents house in kilkenny where i spent the night after the halloween party, where we stayed up until 4 eating bananas and frozen pizzas. it smelled like his clothes in the back of the tiny theatre. i never liked the smell. i always thought that it was a drawback, just a funny, slightly sour, pungent smell. maybe it was his hair gel? i don't know. but i remember not liking it.

but today when i smelled it...i wanted to chase it around the subway car, pounce on it and force it into a jar so i could keep it with me. in the film "the holy girl", amalia takes shaving cream and rubs it into the fabric of her collar, periodically sniffing it. i wish i could have done it with that smell. and i don't know where it came from today -- was it the wet? does anthony really smell of rain?

anthony was my best friend for a short period of time. it's been five years since i've seen him, at least one since we've talked, and then only via email. it's not that we had a fight, or decided we didn't really want to be friends. sometimes you are just no longer friends with someone and that's just the way it goes. maybe it wouldn't work to stay friends with everyone anyway. it's just one of those things, but it doesn't mean that i love him any less. it's sad, but it's not. he was a time in my life, a time and a smell. and i'm happy enough to just remember what a time it was.

i don't know where anthony is now. last time we talked i think it was oxford. he won't read this. but i hope someday soon he might come across something that reminds him of me. and that will be enough.