now we are six.

why couldn't i have enjoyed being six when i actually WAS six? why do i hate things that are happening until they are over and then i cry because they're gone? it would be nice to be able to actually live in the past, and then the present would be the future, and the future would be...the WAY future, like when you're little and you call it the 'way back' in the car. i wish that i lived in a present where i could still ride in the way back. now my legs would get all crampy and i'd probably get carsick.

i always loved the 'choose your own adventure' books. but i never read them the way you were supposed to. i was a big cheat. i would see what happened with either choice, and sometimes i would go a few choices farther, if i wasn't convinced. sometimes it was easiest just to start at the ending and work your way back, like in mazes they put in kids activity books. backwards is so much easier than forwards.

maybe the reason it is all so difficult is this...you can never completely know anyone. you can never know their every thought. you can never know every memory they have. you can't see into their dreams at night. you'll never really know what they think of your shiny blue shoes or your new haircut. like in movies, when they have the camera acting as someone's 'eyes', and they make it look 'realistic' by putting glasses around the lens or something. you know it's not quite right. it just comes off pretentious and cheesy and fake.

maybe i shouldn't get so disappointed with people. i too often expect that they truly know how i feel, that they feel things in the same way that i do. i am constantly taken aback by friends who...suddenly reveal how very different they are. sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's not. maybe the best thing to do is just cut your losses and move on.